the quiz

Okay. So you know those quiz things that are always on facebook that you always want to do but you don't want to post it on facebook so you don't do it? I decided to do one of those. Here are my (fail) results:

Last time this year, what was your relationship status?

single.

What's making you mad at the moment?

ap environmental. and math. and boys. or lack there of.

Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours, and almost got in?

like every day

What would your name be without the first three letters?

lee...hahahha

Do you want to see somebody right now?

stacey and natey! :D

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?

dude. i go to windward. duhhh.

How long was your last relationship?

WE ARE STAYING OFF THAT SUBJECT, QUIZ.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

it's a possibility.

Name one person you wish you could fix things with, and why?

ben and danny. I'M BREAKING THE RULES, QUIZ. I PICKED TWO PEOPLE. BECAUSE I'M A REBEL LIKE THAT.

How have you felt today?

really really tired.

Do you honestly miss someone?

QUIZ. COME ON NOW.

Would you rather get a new puppy or a new car?

neither. i love my dogs and my car already :)

Where did you get the pants you are wearing from?

forever 21, maybe?

Are you happy with life at the moment?

not really...ldsfkjdsfj

Would you date someone right now if they asked?

it depends who this someone is. THAT'S A STUPID QUESTION, QUIZ.

Do you believe that your first love can be your only love in life?

NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. NO WAY. NO HOW. NO.

Have you ever received a call that made you cry?

i've made a call that made me cry. does that count?

If your ex said they hated you, what would you say?

figures.

What are your plans for tonight?

finishing this quiz thing. i'll figure it out after that.

This time last year can you remember who you liked?

QUIZ. WE HAVE ADDRESSED THIS SUBJECT. COME ON NOW. NO MORE OF THESE QUESTIONS.

What are you looking forward to right now?

graduation.

Do you love anyone?

my friends! :)

Do you have an older brother?

nope.

Are you too forgiving?

yes, i think so.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?

of course.

When someone says "we need to talk", what runs through your head?

what did I do that I forgot? hahahha

Do you regret a past relationship?

I don't think so. I'm still deciding.

Does the number 18 have any significance to you?

my next birthday!

Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around?

yep yep.

Do you think relationships are hard?

yes.

Have you ever tried your hardest, then got disappointed later on?

welcome to my life.

Suppose you find out something bad happens to someone you dislike, what do you do about it?

laugh. hahahha

What are you thinking about right now?

ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS. SINCE I'M TAKING THIS QUIZ. JEEZ, YOU'RE DENSE.

Do you own a pair of converse, vans, or any other skate shoes?

converse.

Would you kiss someone to make your ex bf/gf mad?

WTF QUIZ STOP THIS. AND YES, I WOULD THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?

OKAY QUIZ. NO. WE ARE DONE HERE. I AM LEAVING.

tick tock

time. is. passing. so. slowly.

something exciting happen, please?

hate letters

I have decided to channel my anger into letters for the day:

So dear,

Felicia: WTF. ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME HERE? NOBODY IS GOING TO REMEMBER ALL THIS SHIT FROM BEFORE WINTER BREAK. YOU ARE CRITICALLY INSANE. WE ARE ALL GOING TO FAIL. EXCEPT CALVIN, WHO WILL RUIN THE CURVE.

Calvin: WTF WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO SO WELL AND RUIN THE CURVE? JUST DO BADLY FOR ONCE, PLEASE.

Dorian: SAME TO YOU, YOU LITTLE PATHOLOGICAL LYING ASSHOLE. I HATE YOU. YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO AN ORTHODOX SYNAGOGUE IN THE MIDDLE OF ARKANSAS. AND YOU'VE NEVER TALKED TO A PAGAN PRIESTESS IN A CLUB. JUST ACCEPT IT.

Jason Horn: JASON. COME ON NOW. YOU HAD TO MAKE ME WRITE A PAPER IN THE POINT OF VIEW OF A REPUBLICAN WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN GLOBAL WARMING? ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME GO INSANE? BECAUSE IF YOU ARE, YOU'RE SUCCEEDING. I'M REALLY LOVING RESEARCHING ALL ABOUT REPUBLICAN VIEWPOINTS. REALLY ENJOYING IT. IT'S REALLY HELPING ME OUT RIGHT NOW. FUCK YOU.

Mike: STOP LAUGHING. EVEN THOUGH YOU AREN'T REALLY BECAUSE WE DON'T TALK ANYMORE. BUT YOU WOULD BE. SO SHUT UP. YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED THIS SO MUCH. WELL GUESS WHAT? YOUR POINT OF VIEW SUCKS. THE END. YOU ARE A COMPLETE IDIOT. I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOUR SIDE ANYMORE, BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? WE DON'T TALK. SO I DON'T HAVE TO. I CAN MAKE MY REPUBLICAN SOUND AS STUPID AS I WANT HIM TO AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. SO THERE. AND STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY DREAMS, YOU LOSER.

Jeff: WHY THE FUCK WEREN'T YOU IN YEARBOOK TODAY I HATE YOU I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE THANKS A LOT.

Lindsey: YOU NEED TO STOP OVERREACTING ABOUT THE STUPID OPENING PAGE. IT'S JUST TYPE. STOP HAVING A PANIC ATTACK WE ALL AGREED IT NEEDED TO BE CHANGED.

Molly: IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO COME WITH YOU TO PARTIES ANYMORE, JUST SAY SO, DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL AWKWARD AND STUPID.

John Hurwitz: JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE. NOBODY LIKES YOU. YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING IN YEARBOOK. AND YOU ARE A CREEPER, SO NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU BRING IT UP I'M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR SAYING IT. SO JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

Mom: SUPERTASTERS ARE AWESOME, SO STOP SAYING THEY AREN'T. THEY ARE. THE END.

Plane Guy: WTF IF YOU HAVE TIME TO ANSWER MY EMAIL, YOU HAVE TIME TO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THE WEBSITE LAYOUTS. I DON'T HAVE TO CALL YOU TOMORROW, THAT'S STUPID. NOW I'M AFRAID YOU HATED IT. THANKS A LOT.

Okay, I'm done.

That felt good.

things are looking up

I've been very happy lately, which seems very strange considering the weird emotional mess I've been recently. I guess once I went through that, it was just over. Weird.

So I made up with Molly and Lindsey. They gave their side of the story, and it made sense enough that I decided it wasn't worth fighting over. Molly and I had a huggggge fight at her house though. And I've never done well with confrontation. It was just horrible and I'm glad it's over with.

The Spizzwinks came to Windward a couple days ago, and I almost ran into a bit of a catastrophe. They sang at MMM, and Molly was convinced that one of the guys looked EXACTLY like the R. So then I started believing it too, and yeah, from a distance they did look really similar. But when I went to their concert the next night, I realized that he looked absolutely nothing like him, and Molly was crazy. So I stopped freaking out.

There was this one guy in the group who was GORGEOUS. Like, he had to be over 6 feet, and was really pale and had bright blue eyes. And he was a fantastic singer which just made him even more attractive. It made me sad that I don't go to Yale, because now he is gone forever and I am sad. The weird thing was Danny apparently also loves this guy. He never stops talking about him, and when they sang at the concert together Danny was standing WAYYYYY too close to him. Like everyone noticed. It's like just when I'm sure Danny is straight he makes me rethink it. But the guy is mine, and Danny will have to wallow in misery. So there.

So I think I'm starting to get over the R. It's weird, because I thought it was impossible a couple days ago. But I'm starting to think about him less and less, and I don't really feel anything anymore when I think about him. Never talking again doesn't bug me anymore. It's good for me anyways, as I'm going to be in college soon and there will be tons of new distractions and it's no use for me to wallow over an old one.

Plane guy also e-mailed me back today, which means that I don't have some horrible weird non-message responding disease! Yay!

Sorry for the quick summaryness of this. I'm in school and I'm tired and have school stuff. Gahhhh is it May yet???

i'd rather forget and not slow down

This is the first time I've done two blog posts in one day. Yay!

I guess the new year has brought a lot of things up.

So I went to brunch this morning at like 10 with my family. Of course I was completely exhausted, and I had to try as hard as I could not to fall asleep. There was one funny moment when a kid at the brunch showed us a movie he made, only to have my dad point out it had the exact same plot as Shaun of the Dead. LOL.

Then I went to sleep until 6. Of course.

When I woke up, my family and I ate Domino's and watched old 70s SNL stuff. It was fun for about 5 minutes. Then I left and played Fishville, duh.

But what I did today is not the point of this post.

When I was sleeping, I had this dream that the R was mad at me for not contacting him for 4 months. But then of course we made up and were happy. I hate those dreams. I've been having them so often lately and it's stupid because I can't control it, I just wake up and think I WANT THAT. Which is not healthy.

I showed Nate the link to this today, so he could read about my terrible night. He started reading the old ones, and he found the one I wrote a couple days ago about the R. And because of his insane smartness skillz, he knew the answer to the question I have been pondering (okay, maybe pondering isn't the right word. OBSESSING might be better) for the last month. He said (quote):

now idk exactly what the relationship is between you and the republican

but he wants to move on

and hes being nice and caring, because he DOES NOT want you to get upset

but he wants to move on

and eventually

the only way to do that

is to be a total asshole

on purpose

or to stop responding

i think, if it was just another friend

you would feel bad, and wonder why they werent responding, but after a month you would move on

Of course he's completely right. I just don't know how I didn't see it. I guess I just wanted to avoid the worst possible option. In all the reasons I had stated in the other blog post, there was always a reason for him to talk to me again in the future. In this one, there is no other option. He wants to move on, but I CAN'T. And he knows that. He's smart enough to know that. I just can't even deal with the thought of never talking to him again. I had never even thought of that possibility. I had tried every possible way to avoid facing it, and now I just have to face the truth. We're never going to be good friends again, I'm never going to have a second chance. It completely kills me, but it's the truth. I'm going to have to learn to live with it. As impossible as it seems now, I have to accept it and move on. I don't have any other choice. At some point I'm going to be able to think about it without crying. It's going to happen. I can change things by myself. 2010 is a new year, full of new chances and new beginnings. And now that I wrote this all down, I'm never going to think about it again. Which of course is not going to happen. But I'm going to try my hardest to keep busy and not sit around the house and brood.

Sometimes I wonder why life has to be this difficult. Can I get a little slack here? Please?

resolutions and evolutions

So. I don't even know where to start with this. Hope everyone had a better new year's than I did? Hahaha.

Let me just give a quick summary of my night. I went to the Chromeo concert and was completely miserable, had a panic attack while being left alone in Lindsey's car, and ended up being stranded on a street corner for 30 minutes in the freezing cold. So yeah, overall it was pretty terrible.

I will take the challenge of writing this all down by doing it in outline form.

I. The Concert

A. the drinking

i. We had some vodka in the cab and in the movie theater bathroom, but we didn't get any more than a bit tipsy for like 5 minutes. So that was that.

B. the music

i. Of course we got there wayyy too early for Chromeo so it was just all these random DJs I didn't know. Not that I knew Chromeo. But it was fun for the first hour, I was kinda tipsy and dancing and happy. But after that, I was just...BORED. It was weird, because Molly and Lindsey were all happy and enjoying it and I was just looking at the clock counting down the time until we could leave. It felt kinda awkward, because I knew that I should be enjoying it as much as they did, but I just didn't.

C. the drunk people

i. There were so many insanity drunk people there. First there was these people who were just screaming and blowing whistles and just being obnoxious and bumping into us, so we moved. Then there was this guy who kept insisting that Molly and I were stepping on his girlfriend's shoes, but of course we weren't and he just wanted to be in the front. But then he kept yelling at Molly and he spilled beer all over me so we moved. But of course in the new spot was in the middle of the place people kept walking through, so I kept getting punched, elbowed, or groped every five seconds. Which was not enjoyable.

D. the pain

i. So in addition to all the punching and elbowing, I started getting extreme back pain. Like it was when I went to Disneyland and stood in lines all day x 347593495. I felt like I was going to collapse any second, and I was just in incredible pain for most of the night.

E. Natalie

i. Even though I'd never thought I'd say this, but thank god Natalie was there. She saw that I was in pain, and she was miserable too. So we left like 2 songs into Chromeo's act and sat down by the exit. We talked about how we both hated standing up for long periods of times in concerts, how we both didn't like getting drunk in public places, and a lot of other things. We had so much in common, which was totally unexpected. She had a much bigger effect than she probably knew at the time, though. She made me realize that it wasn't strange to not be enjoying myself. It wasn't something that every teenager HAS to enjoy. And she made me feel like I wasn't alone in this feeling. It was a big revelation that I didn't even know at the time.

II. The Aftermath

A. what happened

i. So we got back to Molly's house after the concert in a taxi, and it was fine and blah blah blah. But then Natalie decided she wanted to go home, and since she had a car (lucky duck) she left when we got there. I thought we were just going to go to bed after that, but Molly and Lindsey really wanted to go to this kid's party. I told them I really didn't want to go, but Molly wouldn't let me sleep at her house, so I was forced to go with them. I don't really know what came over me as we were driving. I kept thinking about how since I didn't have Natalie here anymore, I was so alone and misunderstood. And then all the loneliness I have been feeling for the past couple of months and have been trying to force myself to cry over finally just exploded, and I started crying and hyperventilating and it was not good. Of course Molly and Lindsey were oblivious to this, and when we got to the party I asked if I could just stay in the car. They tried to push me into going for a bit, but then they just ended up going and leaving me in the car with the keys. I was so done by then. I was in full scale panic attack, and all I could think of was calling people so I could just stop feeling so alone. The first people I thought of were Michelle, Eunice, and Nate. I knew that Michelle and Eunice would support me and know what to do, and I knew Nate would make me smile. Nate didn't answer my text, but I knew that Michelle and Eunice would probably be up so I called them. When they picked up, I said Happy New Year, and then started bawling. They were really concerned, since I guess they've never seen me like that. But they suggested that I call my parents and ask them to pick me up. So I called my parents, but as soon as they answered the phone I didn't want them to pick me up anymore, since it was stupid because Molly and Lindsey would be coming back soon and we would be going home and it would be fine. But of course they hear me and start spazzing out, but I just tell them everything's fine, and just then Molly and Lindsey started walking towards the car. I was so relieved, and wiped the tears off my face and tried to look happy. However, when they came, they were accompanied by two guys who were TOTALLY wasted, and said they wanted to go to Adam Rinke's party. I had two problems with this: 1) No way in hell was I waiting in the car freaking out AGAIN, and 2) I had no idea if they had been drinking or not and there was no way in hell that I was going to let them drive me all the way to Venice. It was just not happening. So I told them that it was fine, they could go and I would find a ride home. I don't think they really expected me to leave, but I just kind of walked away. They tried calling me and tried to convince me to come with them (notice that never in this conversation did dropping me off at Molly's/Lindsey's/my house ever come up), but I convinced them that I had a taxi coming in 5 minutes and that it was fine (which they should have known wasn't true, since I had accidentally brought a 25 dollar gift card instead of my debit card that night.) So they left, and I was left alone in 40 degree weather in a skimpy dress and tights at a random street in the middle of nowhere. So I had to call my parents and ask them to pick me up. Which was horribly embarrassing, but I didn't really have a choice. So I had to stay on the phone with my mom for like 30 minutes freezing my ass off until my dad came. So then I drove home and that was that.

B. my feelings about the aftermath

i. This is where I start to get confused. How much of the blame is on me, and how much is on them? My parents and Eunice have tried to convince me that none of it is my fault, but I can't say that. I mean, I could have been more vocal in saying that I really didn't want to go, and I did tell them that I had a taxi coming in five minutes. But I can't take all the blame, of course. Why did they force me to go in the first place? Why did they go to the party and leave me alone in the car? And, even as much as I try to not blame them for this, they did leave me stranded on a street corner. I guess the whole experience showed me who my real friends were. I mean, I keep thinking that if it was Michelle and Eunice in the car instead of Molly and Lindsey, none of this would have ever happened because they never would have treated me like that. I guess I'm more disappointed then angry, I guess. I mean, Molly considers me her best friend. I don't know if I can consider her even being one of my FRIENDS anymore. The moral is, I have never felt more worthless in my life. And the whole school will know about this, since of course in the middle of the panic Eunice called Alex Papalian and told him everything. Which just makes the whole situation even more fan-fucking-tastic.

My new year's resolution is to stop dwelling on the past though, so I'm going to try as hard as I can to forget everything.

So hello, 2010. I know we had a bit of a rough start, but I would like to put that behind us and make amends. Let's reintroduce ourselves. My name is Marlee. Very pleased to meet you.