The first week-ish

Yeah, so sorry about the delay of this post. I've been busy...duhh. But because so many things have happened, I'm going to organize this into classes, people, and events.

CLASSES

FYS: I was with everyone in this class for all of orientation, so I got to know people pretty well (see KEVIN, DOC, TOM, MIRA, PAT). It was kinda awk at the beginning, because of various events (see THE DIVERSITY SCANDAL) but now it seems to have all blown over now. I adore the professor, she's amazing. The class also seems really interesting, it's like cool psychology stuff, which hopefully I'll like. I'm not pumped for all the writing though...but I'll deal with it. I've only had one class, so we'll see how it goes.

DRAWING: Just came back from this class, actually. IT'S SO FREAKING LONG OMG (2 hours) but it's really relaxing and pretty easy for now. People in the class are really nice and talk to each other, which is good. That's all.

FILM HISTORY: I like this class. It's really interesting...except for the textbook which is retarded and doesn't have to do with anything. The professor is interesting too, which is good. The best thing about the class, however, is that there's 6 girls and 15 guys...and most of them are ridiculously attractive. Yessssssss.

ITALIAN: Worst class ever. 8:30 in the morning, all Italian, all the time. I feel like there's a language block that just makes it ridiculously hard to learn anything in that class....it's like I hear something and 5 seconds later I forget it again. Plus, we have a quiz tomorrow so I can't go out to the gay bar with everyone else tonight....djlfsjfldsjfldsf.

FITNESS AND WELLNESS: Runner up for worst class ever. This was the class that I discovered that you actually have to look at the syllabus to see what homework you have, because YOU MIGHT HAVE A QUIZ THE NEXT DAY ON THE READING AND IF YOU DIDN'T DO IT THAT WOULD BE BAD. Not that that happened to me, of course...

PEOPLE (in no particular order)

SAM: Roommate #1. Very cute, short, blond and perky, but for some reason has a really low voice, which threw me off at first. She's really into theater and singing, which is nice. We get along really well and hang out a lot.

CAROLINE: Roommate #2. I admit, I judged her when I facebook stalked her...hahaha. She's kinda odd, but in a good way. She's also into theater but ridiculously sweet.

SARA: I had hung out with her a couple times before, but we're pretty much inseparable here. She's amazing and exactly like me except shorter and with a higher voice. I don't know what I'd do without her here :D

EMILY: Her dorm is across the hall, and she's in my room nearly as much as Sara is. She's from Florida and really artsy and out there. She has a unique look which sometimes throws people off, but she's really really sweet.

NICK: I like Nick. We haven't really been hanging out much, but we do occasionally and it's always nice to see a familiar face to remind me of the past. He was kind of miserable the first day, but I think he's found his group, so I'm happy for him.

GRANT: Not the type of kid I would normally hang out with, but for some reason I am. He's half asian and dresses really ghetto for some reason, and never stops talking about Family Guy.

CONNOR: Really nice and laid back kid. The only odd thing about him is that he has "a girlfriend in Malaysia," which may or may not be true.

KEVIN: Amazing. I'm pretty sure I talked about him last time, so I won't say anything other than that.

DOC: Another LA kid. He's kinda like Danny except more arrogant and less feminine, if that makes sense. He likes attention. A lot of attention. As much attention as he can possibly get. I don't know if I like him or not, but I end up seeing him around a lot.

TOM: Oh dear, where do I start. I guess you should read THE DIVERSITY SCANDAL to really get this. I don't really know where we stand, but I see him all the time because he's Grant's roommate, so I have to deal with him.

PAT: A football player douchebag. That's all there is to say.

THE GIRLS ON MY FLOOR: They're all going to be bunched into one category because I don't want to write a separate thing for each of them. Everyone on my floor is amazing and sweet. The end.

I can't think of anyone else, but I'm sure I'll add some more people later.

EVENTS

THE DIVERSITY SCANDAL: So basically, we saw this diversity play in our FYS groups, and I thought it was kinda interesting. I mean not AMAZING, but interesting. So we had a discussion about it in class with one of the people in the play, and it was totally fine until PAT decided to pass when we all had to go around and say something we liked about it. So that was kinda weird, and it got weirder when TOM passed too. I didn't understand why they didn't just make up shit, it seemed really disrespectful. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere TOM just walks out of the room and never comes back. Needless to say I left the meeting FUMING, and everyone was talking shit about Tom and Pat. The next day we were told that the leader of the group was really offended and we were basically the infamous FYS group in the Muhlenberg community...way to make a good start. And to top that off, Tom didn't even show up that day. So then I end up in Tom and Grant's room one night, and Tom told me that he heard that everyone was upset with him. So I told him that yeah, everyone was upset with him. So he told me that he actually had gone to the bathroom that day, and he was sick the day he hadn't showed up. So I told him that I was sorry for talking shit about him, and that he should tell people what happened. So of course, he goes to Pat to talk to, who tells him some bullshit story about how nobody was angry at him and that I was making it all up. So Tom came up to me all pissed off, and I was like why the hell would I make that up? Obviously it was just Pat being a douchebag, as usual. So whatever there was like this ridiculous tension between us and it was soooo awkward because I was with Grant and them a lot and he was always there. So eventually I just told him that I wasn't angry at him and I hoped he wasn't angry with me but that I wasn't lying, and that was that. It's still kinda awk, but at least it's tolerable now. The end.

Okay, it's like 2 in the morning and I have a quiz at 8:30. I STUDIED FOR 4 HOURS STRAIGHT BE PROUD OF ME. I'll try to post more soonnnn.

first day at college...whatttt

Today's my first day! Weirdddddness. It feels like it's been a week, at least.

So the day started off with my dad and my brother getting into a huge fight...normal day for the Noah family. So Ben didn't come to see me leave, which was kinda rude but I don't think he would have liked being there anyways so watevs. I got to my room (which looked like a prison cell at first because it has only a teeny window, but it's HUGE and I like it now) and met my roommates, Sam and Caroline. Sam is small and blonde and really into theater, and she seems nice. Caroline is also really into theater and brought more clothes than I did...like 5 x the clothing I did. We separated into our FYS groups, and we're with that group most of the time. At first I hated it because everyone kind of separated into pairs and I felt kinda lonely, but then I met KEVIN, WHO IS GAY AND ASIAN AND WE'RE GOING TO BE BFFLS. He doesn't know that yet, though. But we had a lot of fun making fun of the stupid stuff Muhlenberg had thought up of (like a video of Muhlenberg history and a skit about how to say the 'theme song'? It was bizarre). I hung out with Sara and Nick a lot, which is good. I like them a lot. There's also this girl named Emily who's really cool and artsy and albino, and she's on my floor. I was supposed to go to a party tonight, but then nobody was really sure where it was and it just didn't work out. I'm sorry for the ramblingness of this, It's like midnight and I've had like 5 hours of sleep. Tomorrow's will be better, I promise!

NEWS

I do have news!

So like, 5 minutes ago I took this 'are you over him' quiz, WHICH I NORMALLY WOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN IF I WASN'T REALLY BORED. and I answered completely honestly, AND LOOK AT THIS:

Your score is 50. While it seems you've let go and accepted that your relationship is over you clearly aren't yet over the loss of love. It's left a void in your life that you're not sure you can fill. Don't worry, once you've really moved on that void will somehow fill itself. Rest assured that you're well on your way to letting go once and for all. Good for you, you've let the healing begin!

I'VE LET THE HEALING BEGIN! YAYYYY ME!

And the truth is, really, I don't think about him much anymore. Except for now of course, but I'm writing about him so it doesn't count. I'm starting to think about new relationships, and new possiblilites. I've gotten to the point where I've kind of accepted the fact that we'll probably never speak to each other again.

I realized that I never missed him...I only missed the way I felt when I was with him. It was like the feeling and him were completely intertwined, and I couldn't differentiate between the two. But now that he's gone, I mean, I still don't have that feeling, but I realized I don't need him to get that.

What was that feeling anyways? I don't think it was love, we weren't close enough for that. Infatuation, maybe? It was something past friendship and before love...I'm not quite sure what that is.

But the point is, whatever it was can be achieved again. He isn't the only person in the world who will make me really....feel again. I got so caught up in that feeling, and I wanted it back so much that I couldn't see straight.

It wasn't him. It was never him.

And that has been my revelation of the day. Or of 5 minutes ago.

Thoughts?

another quiz (since I have nothing to write about)

Have you ever felt like you literally needed someone?
all the time, unfortunately.

Is there anything in your past that you'd like to try again?
of course! but I can't, so it's pointless to regret things.

Are you afraid to fall in love?
the opposite. i'm too willing to fall in love.

Who/what are you thinking about right now?
how boring my life is right now.

So, do you have blue eyes?
I wish.

Is there any alcohol in the fridge?
some beer maybe. nothing good.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
right now. at this very moment.

Has anyone told you they missed you lately?
steyecy!

Have you broken the law in the last 3 days?
I break the law EVERY day. I'm just a rebel like that.

Were you mad when you woke up this morning?

I was sick, so I was mad...does that count?

How did you get your last bruise?
I have no idea, and it's been frustrating me.

What’s more important, trust or happiness?
I think both are essential.

Can you walk in heels?
it depends how high they are.

Do you wonder "what if" a lot?
much more than I'd like to.

Have you ever forgiven someone more times than you should have?
Gahhhh. Story of my life.

Do you think it's okay for girls to have new boyfriends every other week?
I think it's stupid. AND THE SAME GOES FOR BOYS.

Do you feel like you're not good enough?
Sometimes.

Is there someone that you can go to in sweats, hair a mess and still feel comfy?
Yep, lots of people.

When did you last straighten your hair?
hmm...10th grade, maybe?

Could things possibly get any better?
I really, really, hope so.

Have you ever copied someone else's homework?
Molly's math homework. But we switch off copying each other's homework, so it evens out.

Last person you talked on the phone with?
Probably Natey.

Where was your default picture taken?
At a random army store on Hollywood Blvd. Hahaha

Is there anybody you're disappointed in right now?
Myself?

If you are being extremely quiet what does that mean?
I'm probably really tired.

Are you happy?
I'm bored.

Are you a morning person or a night person?
I'm an early evening person.

Have you made a mistake this past week?
Yes.

Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
There's a whole group of Marlee's on facebook. Does that count?

When was the last time you really laughed?
Like, 5 minutes ago watching Collin and Molly's french video.

Have you ever been involved in a high speed car chase?
YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT I WAS INVOLVED IN 19 TODAY. HOW DID YOU KNOW?

Do you own a skateboard?
Hahahaha jokes.

Which shoe do you put on first?
Left, I think?

Do you think your life story would make a great movie?
My life story would be a great dramedy.

If you could pick someone to just "disappear" and nobody would care... who?
I think by now anyone who is reading this should know who.

What is bothering you right now?
Prom zomgggg.

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Loads of times!

Look in your inbox, who do you have texts from?
Tricia, Benjo, Michelle, Molly

Do you sleep with one leg out from under the covers?
It depends if my room is 100 degrees or 0 degrees.

How many hours did you sleep last night?
Well, I went to bed at 7, and woke up at 9...so too many.

What's the worst thing that happened to you today?
Being sick?

Does any part of your body hurt right now?
my head and my throat gahh

How many pictures do you have saved on your computer?
You don't actually expect me to go and count them, do you?

Are you afraid of roller coasters?
Some. I don't like big drop roller coasters.

Hate letters 2

Since I loved writing the hate letters a couple months ago, I decided I'd do it again.

Dear,

Jason: WTF. THAT TEST WAS SO HARD. AND IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. AND WHY DID YOU GIVE US A NEW PROJECT? THAT'S SO RETARDED. WE'RE 3RD TRIMESTER SENIORS. WE DON'T GET WORK. GET OVER IT.

Plane Guy: WHY HAVE YOU NOT E-MAILED ME SO I CAN PROVE THAT YOU ARE NOT A PEDOPHILE? ARE YOU REALLY THAT BUSY? AND WHY DOES IT SAY YOU HAVEN'T PASSED THE CALIFORNIA BAR EXAM. YOU CAN'T BE A LAWYER WITHOUT PASSING THAT, DIPSHIT.

Jeff: STOP YELLING AT ME FOR NOT WRITING MY YEARBOOK STORIES I'M WORKING ON IT.

Freshmen and Sophomores who I sent the group study message to: OH, SO NOW YOU DECIDE TO REPLY. AFTER WE CHANGE THE STORY. GOOD JOB. REALLY CONVENIENT.

Dorian: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY HERE. FUCK YOU.

Fishville: WTF STOP CHANGING AND MAKING ALL MY FISH DIE OR BECOME SICK. HOW DO FISH EVEN BECOME SICK ANYWAYS? IT'S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE.

Dad: NO, THE YEARBOOK ISN'T DONE YET STOP ASKING EVERY NIGHT.

Mom: STOP TELLING ME YOU THINK I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER IT'S STUPID AND I DON'T I JUST SLEPT THROUGH DINNER CALM DOWN I GOT FOOD AFTER I WOKE UP.

Rob: IT WOULD BE REALLY CONVENIENT IF YOU WOULD EMAIL ME ABOUT MY SENIOR INITIATIVE. IT WOULD BE USEFUL NOW. WTF IS TAKING YOU SO LONG?

XM Radio: IF YOU DO NOT STOP PLAYING BREAKEVEN BY THE SCRIPT, I WILL PERSONALLY MURDER YOU.

Mike: SO YOU HAVE A NEW GIRLFRIEND NOW, HUH? WELL THAT'S FANTASTIC. SHE LOOKS LIKE AN UGLY VERSION OF YOUR SISTER, JUST FYI. AND THAT STUPID PROFILE WATCHER THING YOU POSTED ON MY WALL. NOT GOOD. I HATE YOU. YOU ARE A MANWHORE. AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT. I'M GOING TO START AN 'I HATE MIKE' CLUB AND EVERYONE IS GOING TO JOIN. OH AND BTW, IF YOU'RE A HEARTLESS JERK DON'T JOIN THE GROUP I HATE WHEN GIRLS STEREOTYPE GUYS AS HEARTLESS JERKS. IT'S HYPOCRITICAL. SO STOP THAT. AND THANK YOU FOR BREAKING THE BIRTHDAY TRADITION. EVEN IF I DID DELETE YOU ON FACEBOOK, YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED ANYWAYS. EVEN THOUGH I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE ANSWERED. BUT MAYBE I WOULD HAVE. AND I'M NOT STALKING YOU. SO STOP THINKING THAT. EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVEN'T DIRECTLY TOLD ME THAT. AND I HATE YOU. A LOT. HAVE I MENTIONED THAT? STOP MAKING ME CRY WHEN I LISTEN TO SAD SONGS. FUCK YOU. GO DIE IN A HOLE. OH WAIT, YOU LIVE IN LOS FUCKING ALAMITOS. OKAY THEN I GUESS YOU CAN JUST STAY THERE IN THAT LITTLE HELL HOLE.

Felicia: FUCK LOGS NOBODY LIKES THEM JUST TEACH US HOW TO USE A CALCULATOR WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW ALL THIS SHIT.

Lorraine: YOU ARE SUCH A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE LITTLE BITCH WHO IS HORRIBLE AT TEACHING AND DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GRAPHIC DESIGN AND YOU MAKE ME HATE ART WHICH TAKES A SHITLOAD OF TALENT GOOD JOB.

The end. :)

just a regular night

Things I accomplished while Molly told me about her night over IM:

-brushed my teeth

-washed my face

-took my meds

-played three games of Text Twist

-googled Thumbelina

-read the entire Thumbelina wikipedia article

-typed 'haha' three times

-looked around room for phone charger

-realized phone charger is in my parent's room

-played one more game of Text Twist

-pondered life and the horridness of this day

-wrote this blog post

total time spent: 30 minutes

So yeah, I'd say it takes a while for Molly to tell me about her day. Hahahaha. Still love her to pieces, though.

i feel like i'm in an episode of dateline

Let me start this post off just by saying:

I am a complete and total idiot.

Okay, now that we have gotten that out the way, let me continue my story.

So, sometimes when I'm bored/lonely I ask random internet people to write me letters on Mystery Google. Now, I know by now Natey is saying WTF BAD IDEA MARLEE. I know Natey, calm down. I will explain. Usually the letters are just funny stories that make me laugh. But occasionally they're people asking for advice, or just wanting to talk. So sometimes I answer those. Okay, I lied. Most of the time I answer those. And usually we have conversations that last for like 20 minutes and then it's over and that's the end of it. I KNOW YOU THINK THIS IS WEIRD, NATEY. BUT STACEY UNDERSTANDS. IT'S NORMAL.

So two nights ago, I was having one of those similar situations. It was with this guy my age named Nick who lived in Michigan. We were just having a conversation, and the conversation just turned into questions about ourselves and blah blah blah. He didn't know my real name or anything, so I didn't think anything of it. And talking turned into a bit of flirting and STFU NATE I KNOW YOU'RE SPAZZING OUT BY NOW. So basically it was a bad idea, but I was feeling kind of sad because it was the 6 month anniversary of me not talking to the R and yeah. And then it got kind of weird. He asked about my long distance phone plan, and how he was angry that I didn't live closer, and how I felt about long distance relationships. I KNOW YOU ARE BASICALLY ON THE PHONE WITH THE POLICE RIGHT NOW, NATEY. CALM DOWN. So then I figured I should probably figure out who this guy is. So after insane google searching, because I had tried to find his facebook and failed, I finally found his facebook profile.

And let's just say.....there are few words to describe him. He reminded me of Chris Farley. Only fatter and creepier looking. NATE I KNOW YOU ARE SAYING I TOLD YOU SO BY NOW, AND I KNOW. IT WAS A TOTAL I TOLD YOU SO MOMENT. I GET IT.

And to add to all that, HE TOLD ME HE WAS A DEMOCRAT BUT HE WAS REALLY A DIE HARD REPUBLICAN.

So there are 3 lessons from this story:

1) Don't form relationships with people on Mystery Google. Unless you are Stacey, who seems to have extreme luck with finding the insane romantic cute ones.

2) If you do happen to be forming a relationship on Mystery Google, FIGURE OUT WHO THE FUCK THEY ARE FIRST. JUST A TIDBIT OF ADVICE.

3) Don't ever trust Republicans.

So now I should get back to studying for midterms. AKA watching more TV.

the quiz

Okay. So you know those quiz things that are always on facebook that you always want to do but you don't want to post it on facebook so you don't do it? I decided to do one of those. Here are my (fail) results:

Last time this year, what was your relationship status?

single.

What's making you mad at the moment?

ap environmental. and math. and boys. or lack there of.

Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours, and almost got in?

like every day

What would your name be without the first three letters?

lee...hahahha

Do you want to see somebody right now?

stacey and natey! :D

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?

dude. i go to windward. duhhh.

How long was your last relationship?

WE ARE STAYING OFF THAT SUBJECT, QUIZ.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

it's a possibility.

Name one person you wish you could fix things with, and why?

ben and danny. I'M BREAKING THE RULES, QUIZ. I PICKED TWO PEOPLE. BECAUSE I'M A REBEL LIKE THAT.

How have you felt today?

really really tired.

Do you honestly miss someone?

QUIZ. COME ON NOW.

Would you rather get a new puppy or a new car?

neither. i love my dogs and my car already :)

Where did you get the pants you are wearing from?

forever 21, maybe?

Are you happy with life at the moment?

not really...ldsfkjdsfj

Would you date someone right now if they asked?

it depends who this someone is. THAT'S A STUPID QUESTION, QUIZ.

Do you believe that your first love can be your only love in life?

NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. NO WAY. NO HOW. NO.

Have you ever received a call that made you cry?

i've made a call that made me cry. does that count?

If your ex said they hated you, what would you say?

figures.

What are your plans for tonight?

finishing this quiz thing. i'll figure it out after that.

This time last year can you remember who you liked?

QUIZ. WE HAVE ADDRESSED THIS SUBJECT. COME ON NOW. NO MORE OF THESE QUESTIONS.

What are you looking forward to right now?

graduation.

Do you love anyone?

my friends! :)

Do you have an older brother?

nope.

Are you too forgiving?

yes, i think so.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?

of course.

When someone says "we need to talk", what runs through your head?

what did I do that I forgot? hahahha

Do you regret a past relationship?

I don't think so. I'm still deciding.

Does the number 18 have any significance to you?

my next birthday!

Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around?

yep yep.

Do you think relationships are hard?

yes.

Have you ever tried your hardest, then got disappointed later on?

welcome to my life.

Suppose you find out something bad happens to someone you dislike, what do you do about it?

laugh. hahahha

What are you thinking about right now?

ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS. SINCE I'M TAKING THIS QUIZ. JEEZ, YOU'RE DENSE.

Do you own a pair of converse, vans, or any other skate shoes?

converse.

Would you kiss someone to make your ex bf/gf mad?

WTF QUIZ STOP THIS. AND YES, I WOULD THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?

OKAY QUIZ. NO. WE ARE DONE HERE. I AM LEAVING.

tick tock

time. is. passing. so. slowly.

something exciting happen, please?

hate letters

I have decided to channel my anger into letters for the day:

So dear,

Felicia: WTF. ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME HERE? NOBODY IS GOING TO REMEMBER ALL THIS SHIT FROM BEFORE WINTER BREAK. YOU ARE CRITICALLY INSANE. WE ARE ALL GOING TO FAIL. EXCEPT CALVIN, WHO WILL RUIN THE CURVE.

Calvin: WTF WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO SO WELL AND RUIN THE CURVE? JUST DO BADLY FOR ONCE, PLEASE.

Dorian: SAME TO YOU, YOU LITTLE PATHOLOGICAL LYING ASSHOLE. I HATE YOU. YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO AN ORTHODOX SYNAGOGUE IN THE MIDDLE OF ARKANSAS. AND YOU'VE NEVER TALKED TO A PAGAN PRIESTESS IN A CLUB. JUST ACCEPT IT.

Jason Horn: JASON. COME ON NOW. YOU HAD TO MAKE ME WRITE A PAPER IN THE POINT OF VIEW OF A REPUBLICAN WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN GLOBAL WARMING? ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME GO INSANE? BECAUSE IF YOU ARE, YOU'RE SUCCEEDING. I'M REALLY LOVING RESEARCHING ALL ABOUT REPUBLICAN VIEWPOINTS. REALLY ENJOYING IT. IT'S REALLY HELPING ME OUT RIGHT NOW. FUCK YOU.

Mike: STOP LAUGHING. EVEN THOUGH YOU AREN'T REALLY BECAUSE WE DON'T TALK ANYMORE. BUT YOU WOULD BE. SO SHUT UP. YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED THIS SO MUCH. WELL GUESS WHAT? YOUR POINT OF VIEW SUCKS. THE END. YOU ARE A COMPLETE IDIOT. I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOUR SIDE ANYMORE, BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? WE DON'T TALK. SO I DON'T HAVE TO. I CAN MAKE MY REPUBLICAN SOUND AS STUPID AS I WANT HIM TO AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. SO THERE. AND STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY DREAMS, YOU LOSER.

Jeff: WHY THE FUCK WEREN'T YOU IN YEARBOOK TODAY I HATE YOU I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE THANKS A LOT.

Lindsey: YOU NEED TO STOP OVERREACTING ABOUT THE STUPID OPENING PAGE. IT'S JUST TYPE. STOP HAVING A PANIC ATTACK WE ALL AGREED IT NEEDED TO BE CHANGED.

Molly: IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO COME WITH YOU TO PARTIES ANYMORE, JUST SAY SO, DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL AWKWARD AND STUPID.

John Hurwitz: JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE. NOBODY LIKES YOU. YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING IN YEARBOOK. AND YOU ARE A CREEPER, SO NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU BRING IT UP I'M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR SAYING IT. SO JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

Mom: SUPERTASTERS ARE AWESOME, SO STOP SAYING THEY AREN'T. THEY ARE. THE END.

Plane Guy: WTF IF YOU HAVE TIME TO ANSWER MY EMAIL, YOU HAVE TIME TO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THE WEBSITE LAYOUTS. I DON'T HAVE TO CALL YOU TOMORROW, THAT'S STUPID. NOW I'M AFRAID YOU HATED IT. THANKS A LOT.

Okay, I'm done.

That felt good.

things are looking up

I've been very happy lately, which seems very strange considering the weird emotional mess I've been recently. I guess once I went through that, it was just over. Weird.

So I made up with Molly and Lindsey. They gave their side of the story, and it made sense enough that I decided it wasn't worth fighting over. Molly and I had a huggggge fight at her house though. And I've never done well with confrontation. It was just horrible and I'm glad it's over with.

The Spizzwinks came to Windward a couple days ago, and I almost ran into a bit of a catastrophe. They sang at MMM, and Molly was convinced that one of the guys looked EXACTLY like the R. So then I started believing it too, and yeah, from a distance they did look really similar. But when I went to their concert the next night, I realized that he looked absolutely nothing like him, and Molly was crazy. So I stopped freaking out.

There was this one guy in the group who was GORGEOUS. Like, he had to be over 6 feet, and was really pale and had bright blue eyes. And he was a fantastic singer which just made him even more attractive. It made me sad that I don't go to Yale, because now he is gone forever and I am sad. The weird thing was Danny apparently also loves this guy. He never stops talking about him, and when they sang at the concert together Danny was standing WAYYYYY too close to him. Like everyone noticed. It's like just when I'm sure Danny is straight he makes me rethink it. But the guy is mine, and Danny will have to wallow in misery. So there.

So I think I'm starting to get over the R. It's weird, because I thought it was impossible a couple days ago. But I'm starting to think about him less and less, and I don't really feel anything anymore when I think about him. Never talking again doesn't bug me anymore. It's good for me anyways, as I'm going to be in college soon and there will be tons of new distractions and it's no use for me to wallow over an old one.

Plane guy also e-mailed me back today, which means that I don't have some horrible weird non-message responding disease! Yay!

Sorry for the quick summaryness of this. I'm in school and I'm tired and have school stuff. Gahhhh is it May yet???

i'd rather forget and not slow down

This is the first time I've done two blog posts in one day. Yay!

I guess the new year has brought a lot of things up.

So I went to brunch this morning at like 10 with my family. Of course I was completely exhausted, and I had to try as hard as I could not to fall asleep. There was one funny moment when a kid at the brunch showed us a movie he made, only to have my dad point out it had the exact same plot as Shaun of the Dead. LOL.

Then I went to sleep until 6. Of course.

When I woke up, my family and I ate Domino's and watched old 70s SNL stuff. It was fun for about 5 minutes. Then I left and played Fishville, duh.

But what I did today is not the point of this post.

When I was sleeping, I had this dream that the R was mad at me for not contacting him for 4 months. But then of course we made up and were happy. I hate those dreams. I've been having them so often lately and it's stupid because I can't control it, I just wake up and think I WANT THAT. Which is not healthy.

I showed Nate the link to this today, so he could read about my terrible night. He started reading the old ones, and he found the one I wrote a couple days ago about the R. And because of his insane smartness skillz, he knew the answer to the question I have been pondering (okay, maybe pondering isn't the right word. OBSESSING might be better) for the last month. He said (quote):

now idk exactly what the relationship is between you and the republican

but he wants to move on

and hes being nice and caring, because he DOES NOT want you to get upset

but he wants to move on

and eventually

the only way to do that

is to be a total asshole

on purpose

or to stop responding

i think, if it was just another friend

you would feel bad, and wonder why they werent responding, but after a month you would move on

Of course he's completely right. I just don't know how I didn't see it. I guess I just wanted to avoid the worst possible option. In all the reasons I had stated in the other blog post, there was always a reason for him to talk to me again in the future. In this one, there is no other option. He wants to move on, but I CAN'T. And he knows that. He's smart enough to know that. I just can't even deal with the thought of never talking to him again. I had never even thought of that possibility. I had tried every possible way to avoid facing it, and now I just have to face the truth. We're never going to be good friends again, I'm never going to have a second chance. It completely kills me, but it's the truth. I'm going to have to learn to live with it. As impossible as it seems now, I have to accept it and move on. I don't have any other choice. At some point I'm going to be able to think about it without crying. It's going to happen. I can change things by myself. 2010 is a new year, full of new chances and new beginnings. And now that I wrote this all down, I'm never going to think about it again. Which of course is not going to happen. But I'm going to try my hardest to keep busy and not sit around the house and brood.

Sometimes I wonder why life has to be this difficult. Can I get a little slack here? Please?

resolutions and evolutions

So. I don't even know where to start with this. Hope everyone had a better new year's than I did? Hahaha.

Let me just give a quick summary of my night. I went to the Chromeo concert and was completely miserable, had a panic attack while being left alone in Lindsey's car, and ended up being stranded on a street corner for 30 minutes in the freezing cold. So yeah, overall it was pretty terrible.

I will take the challenge of writing this all down by doing it in outline form.

I. The Concert

A. the drinking

i. We had some vodka in the cab and in the movie theater bathroom, but we didn't get any more than a bit tipsy for like 5 minutes. So that was that.

B. the music

i. Of course we got there wayyy too early for Chromeo so it was just all these random DJs I didn't know. Not that I knew Chromeo. But it was fun for the first hour, I was kinda tipsy and dancing and happy. But after that, I was just...BORED. It was weird, because Molly and Lindsey were all happy and enjoying it and I was just looking at the clock counting down the time until we could leave. It felt kinda awkward, because I knew that I should be enjoying it as much as they did, but I just didn't.

C. the drunk people

i. There were so many insanity drunk people there. First there was these people who were just screaming and blowing whistles and just being obnoxious and bumping into us, so we moved. Then there was this guy who kept insisting that Molly and I were stepping on his girlfriend's shoes, but of course we weren't and he just wanted to be in the front. But then he kept yelling at Molly and he spilled beer all over me so we moved. But of course in the new spot was in the middle of the place people kept walking through, so I kept getting punched, elbowed, or groped every five seconds. Which was not enjoyable.

D. the pain

i. So in addition to all the punching and elbowing, I started getting extreme back pain. Like it was when I went to Disneyland and stood in lines all day x 347593495. I felt like I was going to collapse any second, and I was just in incredible pain for most of the night.

E. Natalie

i. Even though I'd never thought I'd say this, but thank god Natalie was there. She saw that I was in pain, and she was miserable too. So we left like 2 songs into Chromeo's act and sat down by the exit. We talked about how we both hated standing up for long periods of times in concerts, how we both didn't like getting drunk in public places, and a lot of other things. We had so much in common, which was totally unexpected. She had a much bigger effect than she probably knew at the time, though. She made me realize that it wasn't strange to not be enjoying myself. It wasn't something that every teenager HAS to enjoy. And she made me feel like I wasn't alone in this feeling. It was a big revelation that I didn't even know at the time.

II. The Aftermath

A. what happened

i. So we got back to Molly's house after the concert in a taxi, and it was fine and blah blah blah. But then Natalie decided she wanted to go home, and since she had a car (lucky duck) she left when we got there. I thought we were just going to go to bed after that, but Molly and Lindsey really wanted to go to this kid's party. I told them I really didn't want to go, but Molly wouldn't let me sleep at her house, so I was forced to go with them. I don't really know what came over me as we were driving. I kept thinking about how since I didn't have Natalie here anymore, I was so alone and misunderstood. And then all the loneliness I have been feeling for the past couple of months and have been trying to force myself to cry over finally just exploded, and I started crying and hyperventilating and it was not good. Of course Molly and Lindsey were oblivious to this, and when we got to the party I asked if I could just stay in the car. They tried to push me into going for a bit, but then they just ended up going and leaving me in the car with the keys. I was so done by then. I was in full scale panic attack, and all I could think of was calling people so I could just stop feeling so alone. The first people I thought of were Michelle, Eunice, and Nate. I knew that Michelle and Eunice would support me and know what to do, and I knew Nate would make me smile. Nate didn't answer my text, but I knew that Michelle and Eunice would probably be up so I called them. When they picked up, I said Happy New Year, and then started bawling. They were really concerned, since I guess they've never seen me like that. But they suggested that I call my parents and ask them to pick me up. So I called my parents, but as soon as they answered the phone I didn't want them to pick me up anymore, since it was stupid because Molly and Lindsey would be coming back soon and we would be going home and it would be fine. But of course they hear me and start spazzing out, but I just tell them everything's fine, and just then Molly and Lindsey started walking towards the car. I was so relieved, and wiped the tears off my face and tried to look happy. However, when they came, they were accompanied by two guys who were TOTALLY wasted, and said they wanted to go to Adam Rinke's party. I had two problems with this: 1) No way in hell was I waiting in the car freaking out AGAIN, and 2) I had no idea if they had been drinking or not and there was no way in hell that I was going to let them drive me all the way to Venice. It was just not happening. So I told them that it was fine, they could go and I would find a ride home. I don't think they really expected me to leave, but I just kind of walked away. They tried calling me and tried to convince me to come with them (notice that never in this conversation did dropping me off at Molly's/Lindsey's/my house ever come up), but I convinced them that I had a taxi coming in 5 minutes and that it was fine (which they should have known wasn't true, since I had accidentally brought a 25 dollar gift card instead of my debit card that night.) So they left, and I was left alone in 40 degree weather in a skimpy dress and tights at a random street in the middle of nowhere. So I had to call my parents and ask them to pick me up. Which was horribly embarrassing, but I didn't really have a choice. So I had to stay on the phone with my mom for like 30 minutes freezing my ass off until my dad came. So then I drove home and that was that.

B. my feelings about the aftermath

i. This is where I start to get confused. How much of the blame is on me, and how much is on them? My parents and Eunice have tried to convince me that none of it is my fault, but I can't say that. I mean, I could have been more vocal in saying that I really didn't want to go, and I did tell them that I had a taxi coming in five minutes. But I can't take all the blame, of course. Why did they force me to go in the first place? Why did they go to the party and leave me alone in the car? And, even as much as I try to not blame them for this, they did leave me stranded on a street corner. I guess the whole experience showed me who my real friends were. I mean, I keep thinking that if it was Michelle and Eunice in the car instead of Molly and Lindsey, none of this would have ever happened because they never would have treated me like that. I guess I'm more disappointed then angry, I guess. I mean, Molly considers me her best friend. I don't know if I can consider her even being one of my FRIENDS anymore. The moral is, I have never felt more worthless in my life. And the whole school will know about this, since of course in the middle of the panic Eunice called Alex Papalian and told him everything. Which just makes the whole situation even more fan-fucking-tastic.

My new year's resolution is to stop dwelling on the past though, so I'm going to try as hard as I can to forget everything.

So hello, 2010. I know we had a bit of a rough start, but I would like to put that behind us and make amends. Let's reintroduce ourselves. My name is Marlee. Very pleased to meet you.