Let me just give a quick summary of my night. I went to the Chromeo concert and was completely miserable, had a panic attack while being left alone in Lindsey's car, and ended up being stranded on a street corner for 30 minutes in the freezing cold. So yeah, overall it was pretty terrible.
I will take the challenge of writing this all down by doing it in outline form.
I. The Concert
A. the drinking
i. We had some vodka in the cab and in the movie theater bathroom, but we didn't get any more than a bit tipsy for like 5 minutes. So that was that.
B. the music
i. Of course we got there wayyy too early for Chromeo so it was just all these random DJs I didn't know. Not that I knew Chromeo. But it was fun for the first hour, I was kinda tipsy and dancing and happy. But after that, I was just...BORED. It was weird, because Molly and Lindsey were all happy and enjoying it and I was just looking at the clock counting down the time until we could leave. It felt kinda awkward, because I knew that I should be enjoying it as much as they did, but I just didn't.
C. the drunk people
i. There were so many insanity drunk people there. First there was these people who were just screaming and blowing whistles and just being obnoxious and bumping into us, so we moved. Then there was this guy who kept insisting that Molly and I were stepping on his girlfriend's shoes, but of course we weren't and he just wanted to be in the front. But then he kept yelling at Molly and he spilled beer all over me so we moved. But of course in the new spot was in the middle of the place people kept walking through, so I kept getting punched, elbowed, or groped every five seconds. Which was not enjoyable.
D. the pain
i. So in addition to all the punching and elbowing, I started getting extreme back pain. Like it was when I went to Disneyland and stood in lines all day x 347593495. I felt like I was going to collapse any second, and I was just in incredible pain for most of the night.
E. Natalie
i. Even though I'd never thought I'd say this, but thank god Natalie was there. She saw that I was in pain, and she was miserable too. So we left like 2 songs into Chromeo's act and sat down by the exit. We talked about how we both hated standing up for long periods of times in concerts, how we both didn't like getting drunk in public places, and a lot of other things. We had so much in common, which was totally unexpected. She had a much bigger effect than she probably knew at the time, though. She made me realize that it wasn't strange to not be enjoying myself. It wasn't something that every teenager HAS to enjoy. And she made me feel like I wasn't alone in this feeling. It was a big revelation that I didn't even know at the time.
II. The Aftermath
A. what happened
i. So we got back to Molly's house after the concert in a taxi, and it was fine and blah blah blah. But then Natalie decided she wanted to go home, and since she had a car (lucky duck) she left when we got there. I thought we were just going to go to bed after that, but Molly and Lindsey really wanted to go to this kid's party. I told them I really didn't want to go, but Molly wouldn't let me sleep at her house, so I was forced to go with them. I don't really know what came over me as we were driving. I kept thinking about how since I didn't have Natalie here anymore, I was so alone and misunderstood. And then all the loneliness I have been feeling for the past couple of months and have been trying to force myself to cry over finally just exploded, and I started crying and hyperventilating and it was not good. Of course Molly and Lindsey were oblivious to this, and when we got to the party I asked if I could just stay in the car. They tried to push me into going for a bit, but then they just ended up going and leaving me in the car with the keys. I was so done by then. I was in full scale panic attack, and all I could think of was calling people so I could just stop feeling so alone. The first people I thought of were Michelle, Eunice, and Nate. I knew that Michelle and Eunice would support me and know what to do, and I knew Nate would make me smile. Nate didn't answer my text, but I knew that Michelle and Eunice would probably be up so I called them. When they picked up, I said Happy New Year, and then started bawling. They were really concerned, since I guess they've never seen me like that. But they suggested that I call my parents and ask them to pick me up. So I called my parents, but as soon as they answered the phone I didn't want them to pick me up anymore, since it was stupid because Molly and Lindsey would be coming back soon and we would be going home and it would be fine. But of course they hear me and start spazzing out, but I just tell them everything's fine, and just then Molly and Lindsey started walking towards the car. I was so relieved, and wiped the tears off my face and tried to look happy. However, when they came, they were accompanied by two guys who were TOTALLY wasted, and said they wanted to go to Adam Rinke's party. I had two problems with this: 1) No way in hell was I waiting in the car freaking out AGAIN, and 2) I had no idea if they had been drinking or not and there was no way in hell that I was going to let them drive me all the way to Venice. It was just not happening. So I told them that it was fine, they could go and I would find a ride home. I don't think they really expected me to leave, but I just kind of walked away. They tried calling me and tried to convince me to come with them (notice that never in this conversation did dropping me off at Molly's/Lindsey's/my house ever come up), but I convinced them that I had a taxi coming in 5 minutes and that it was fine (which they should have known wasn't true, since I had accidentally brought a 25 dollar gift card instead of my debit card that night.) So they left, and I was left alone in 40 degree weather in a skimpy dress and tights at a random street in the middle of nowhere. So I had to call my parents and ask them to pick me up. Which was horribly embarrassing, but I didn't really have a choice. So I had to stay on the phone with my mom for like 30 minutes freezing my ass off until my dad came. So then I drove home and that was that.
B. my feelings about the aftermath
i. This is where I start to get confused. How much of the blame is on me, and how much is on them? My parents and Eunice have tried to convince me that none of it is my fault, but I can't say that. I mean, I could have been more vocal in saying that I really didn't want to go, and I did tell them that I had a taxi coming in five minutes. But I can't take all the blame, of course. Why did they force me to go in the first place? Why did they go to the party and leave me alone in the car? And, even as much as I try to not blame them for this, they did leave me stranded on a street corner. I guess the whole experience showed me who my real friends were. I mean, I keep thinking that if it was Michelle and Eunice in the car instead of Molly and Lindsey, none of this would have ever happened because they never would have treated me like that. I guess I'm more disappointed then angry, I guess. I mean, Molly considers me her best friend. I don't know if I can consider her even being one of my FRIENDS anymore. The moral is, I have never felt more worthless in my life. And the whole school will know about this, since of course in the middle of the panic Eunice called Alex Papalian and told him everything. Which just makes the whole situation even more fan-fucking-tastic.
My new year's resolution is to stop dwelling on the past though, so I'm going to try as hard as I can to forget everything.
So hello, 2010. I know we had a bit of a rough start, but I would like to put that behind us and make amends. Let's reintroduce ourselves. My name is Marlee. Very pleased to meet you.
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