i'd rather forget and not slow down

This is the first time I've done two blog posts in one day. Yay!

I guess the new year has brought a lot of things up.

So I went to brunch this morning at like 10 with my family. Of course I was completely exhausted, and I had to try as hard as I could not to fall asleep. There was one funny moment when a kid at the brunch showed us a movie he made, only to have my dad point out it had the exact same plot as Shaun of the Dead. LOL.

Then I went to sleep until 6. Of course.

When I woke up, my family and I ate Domino's and watched old 70s SNL stuff. It was fun for about 5 minutes. Then I left and played Fishville, duh.

But what I did today is not the point of this post.

When I was sleeping, I had this dream that the R was mad at me for not contacting him for 4 months. But then of course we made up and were happy. I hate those dreams. I've been having them so often lately and it's stupid because I can't control it, I just wake up and think I WANT THAT. Which is not healthy.

I showed Nate the link to this today, so he could read about my terrible night. He started reading the old ones, and he found the one I wrote a couple days ago about the R. And because of his insane smartness skillz, he knew the answer to the question I have been pondering (okay, maybe pondering isn't the right word. OBSESSING might be better) for the last month. He said (quote):

now idk exactly what the relationship is between you and the republican

but he wants to move on

and hes being nice and caring, because he DOES NOT want you to get upset

but he wants to move on

and eventually

the only way to do that

is to be a total asshole

on purpose

or to stop responding

i think, if it was just another friend

you would feel bad, and wonder why they werent responding, but after a month you would move on

Of course he's completely right. I just don't know how I didn't see it. I guess I just wanted to avoid the worst possible option. In all the reasons I had stated in the other blog post, there was always a reason for him to talk to me again in the future. In this one, there is no other option. He wants to move on, but I CAN'T. And he knows that. He's smart enough to know that. I just can't even deal with the thought of never talking to him again. I had never even thought of that possibility. I had tried every possible way to avoid facing it, and now I just have to face the truth. We're never going to be good friends again, I'm never going to have a second chance. It completely kills me, but it's the truth. I'm going to have to learn to live with it. As impossible as it seems now, I have to accept it and move on. I don't have any other choice. At some point I'm going to be able to think about it without crying. It's going to happen. I can change things by myself. 2010 is a new year, full of new chances and new beginnings. And now that I wrote this all down, I'm never going to think about it again. Which of course is not going to happen. But I'm going to try my hardest to keep busy and not sit around the house and brood.

Sometimes I wonder why life has to be this difficult. Can I get a little slack here? Please?